


insec-ec-ecure

by smartbuckley



Series: Buddie Tumblr Prompts [17]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Slightly depressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:15:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22816867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: Written for the following prompt:an unintentionally cruel comment aimed at Buck hits him harder then he expected. He laughs and tries to brush it off but it stays with him . He doesn’t want to burden the others so he stays quiet. And it’s not until someone outside the 118 insults him and he doesn’t defend himself that the others start to get worried.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Buddie Tumblr Prompts [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1528010
Comments: 24
Kudos: 561
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	insec-ec-ecure

**Author's Note:**

> So this strays from the original prompt a little bit, and is a complete mess writing wise, because I was in a bad spot writing it, but I hope you enjoy the story, nonnie. If I missed a tag, please let me know, otherwise, enjoy your reading :)

For as long as Buck could remember, he based his confidence on what other people thought of him. It wasn’t something a lot of people knew, and it sure as hell wasn’t something a lot of people realized, but if you managed to look closely at him and his ticks - you would notice that inside, Evan Buckley was an incredibly insecure man. If you didn’t look too closely at him, which a lot of people didn’t, all you would see was confidence, but Buck knew -- it was a simple fake it until you make it mantra, and so far, he hadn’t made it. He had been close, before the embolism, the tsunami and then the lawsuit, but afterwards, even when the team had forgiven him and things had gone back to normal in a relative matter, Buck had slipped and gone back into a downhill slope that no one would realize he was in, no matter how much they looked.

Maddie wouldn’t know what to look for, since she was never around, so when she asked him if he was okay and he answered in the positive, she believed him, even if something seemed off to her keen senses.

Bobby and Athena would wonder if he was alright, and they would ask, and they would give him a look when he clearly lied, but they wouldn’t push, because they never did. Hen would just purse her lips, Chim wouldn’t both trying to push because of Maddie and Eddie --

Buck doesn’t know what Eddie would do, after everything. Especially after everything. Sure, things have gone back to normal between him and everyone else but Buck -- Buck is more insecure than he’s ever been before, unsure of his place and his future, both in his life and career.

And Buck doesn’t know how much longer he can handle his insecurities pressing against him, pressuring him from the inside out, waiting for him to explode in a moment he can’t afford. He doesn’t know how much longer he can take the jokes and barbs that his team send his way, thinking they’re all having fun, while each word is like the pin of a needle pressing into his skin.

He knows he should tell them how much their words hurt, how he truly believes what they’re saying instead of believing they’re just joking around, but every time he opens his mouth to do so, something stops him and Buck -- Buck can’t. It’s like there’s a hand clawing up from his throat, snatching the words away before he can say anything, even when his friends look at him, wondering what’s going on with him.

He knows that, eventually, he’s going to have to admit the truth to his team, tell them how much he’s hurting, he just didn’t expect to have to do it so damn soon after the thoughts had been swirling in his mind over thinking about how much he’s hurting.

They’re on a call with another station from the city, dealing with a massive pile up on one of the busier highways. Buck is talking silently to Eddie, the man’s hand on his shoulder and squeezing, noticing something is up with his best friend but not sure how to talk about it. Buck’s a little distracted, his mind filled with thoughts and his mouth saying things at a mile a minute as he tries to go through what he’s thinking and say something that could distract him from the screaming in his mind as his thoughts turn to the words that have been said recently from his teammates in a teasing gesture.

When another firefighter -- Rob, Buck thinks -- comes up to him, Buck puts on his mask, missing the look Eddie throws his way but gaining strength when his best friend squeezes his shoulder, arching one of his eyebrows when the other firefighter nods his head at Eddie but then glares at him. He almost wants to frown and turn away but Eddie’s hand grasping his and squeezing as him looking towards his best friend, confused, before back to the other person, barely listening as he says something to Eddie before scoffing at him, which only has Buck frowning some more.

“What?” He finds himself asking, looking to Eddie, hopeful that his best friend and partner knows what’s going on, finding himself even more confused when he realizes Eddie is glaring at Rob.

“All I said, was I wondered why a dumb guy like you, whose got no loyalty to those who are on the line with him, was out here in the first place,” Rob responds with a shrug, and Buck can feel his heart sink into his stomach and his throat clog with the words he knows he should say in response. Instead, he only finds himself frowning and then shrugging, turning around and away while biting his lip, not hearing Eddie tear into Rob, all while looking back at Buck with worry.

Buck makes his way back to the truck housing the rest of his teammates, ignoring how they all go silent when he enters the truck, finding the seat he likes to sit in, slowly getting lost in his thoughts. It’s not long before Eddie follows suit, slamming the door to the truck loudly, causing everyone to jump in surprise, turning towards Eddie with wide eyes as he lets out a huff of breath. The two of them watch one another, and Buck can’t help but wonder if his cheeks are actually stained red or he’s just embarrassed for no reason before he clears his throat and looks away, blinking when he sees everyone looking at him.

“What?” He asks for the second time, feeling completely discombobulated at everyone staring at him, his legs shifting in his seat as he tries to find a comfortable position.

“Buck---” Bobby begins with a frown and Buck feels like he’s about to be chewed out and disciplined, but for what he has no idea, his footing completely lost as he opens and closes his mouth before looking around at everyone and biting his lip.

“What--” Buck begins before closing his mouth and pursing his lips, looking around the room and feeling lost with how everyone is still looking at him, not even bothering to explain anything.

“Can someone just explain already what--” Buck begins to snap before stopping when he feels Eddie’s hand in his, fingers interlacing with his own and squeezing. Buck’s head drops down to stare at the sight, eyes wide and heart pounding, mouth dry as he blinks and then looks up at Eddie, almost feeling completely calm for the first time since entering the truck. Buck shouldn’t be surprised, since Eddie’s always been able to calm him without much thought, but he  _ is _ , and looking at Eddie, seeing acknowledgement in his eyes, all Buck really wants to do is sink into Eddie’s warmth, arms around him, and sleep, but he looks at Bobby instead.

“We’re having a very quick intervention for you, Buckaroo,” Bobby begins, looking towards Hen and Chim, Eddie nodding and Buck tilting his head.

“Why am I in need of an intervention?”

“Because we’ve all noticed how you’ve stopped standing up for yourself, Buck. And we don’t quite understand why, or what’s going through your head,” Hen responds after Bobby stays quiet and Buck -- Buck opens and closes his mouth once more, looking down at his knees before looking away, blinking back tears because of course his team noticed. How could they not, he thinks, shaking his head and wiping his eyes with his free hand.

“Buck, hey, it’s okay,” Eddie whispers, leaning forward to help wipe his face all while Buck lets out a throaty chuckle, shaking his head, leaning forward quickly to kiss Eddie, pulling away before anything else can happen. He knows Eddie is surprised by the movement -- and Buck wants to grin at that, because Eddie’s been waiting so patiently for him to go back to Eddie since everything, that Buck loves him all the more for it.

“Would you believe me if I said I had no idea if I fit here anymore?” Buck chuckles, looking at Bobby with wet eyes while Bobby looks back at him, opening his mouth. Before Bobby can say anything though, Buck shakes his head and holds his hand up, shifting so that he’s no longer slouching in his seat and is sitting straight and tall, briefly closing his eyes.

“I know you guys have forgiven me for everything but I’m not this confident young man you think I am. I have insecurities like any other person and I guess it’s all just built up over the past six months,” Buck begins saying, squeezing Eddie’s hand for courage before continuing.

“I wasn’t sure if I was wanted. I wasn’t sure if your jokes were jokes, or you meant them and were just being cruel. I was doubting every single thing in my life, and I didn’t know what to do with that,” He finishes, biting his lip as he tries to think of something else to say, looking at Bobby briefly before taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, making a decision he’s been fighting against for way too long, but finding it easier to do, surrounded by the people he loves most in the world.

“Remember, way back when, when you said you needed help?” Buck asks, waiting for Bobby to nod. Exhaling, Buck looks around at the truck and smiles softly.

“Help,” he sobs, leaning forward and placing his head in his hands, not surprised when he feels Eddie’s arms around him or Hen’s hand on his back. He doesn’t know if he’s going to be okay right now but in the long run, he does know that his family will be there for him, and that asking for help instead of hiding will help him faster than he thought.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are always love. Come talk to me on [my tumblr](https://smartbuckleystrand.tumblr.com/ask).


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